I feel my mortality

I recently told someone that happy people don't blog much. They are too busy being happy.

I made more than a dozen entries over the weekend. So what does that make me?

I had my medical check up at NUH on Thursday. No good news when my systolic pressure is 158mmHg and my diastolic is 105mmHg.

I'm inefficient as a human. It takes a lot more effort for my heart compared to normal yous to pump blood through my arteries.

An average adult human heart beats 70 times in a minute. That's 4200 beats in an hour. 100800 beats in a day. I work harder than most of you sons a bitches in order to stay alive. Yes, that sunrise I see each day is precious. And I do, at times, feel that it is sliding out of my life.

What do I want to prove? That I can be normal life as the rest of yous? I can do the same job as you, laugh at the same jokes and sometimes crack a few of my own? I partake in the same tests that puts me within the normal range but I had to prepare twice as much? While you think it's a choice I made that I am in this state. Somehow this option is not available to you.

Your life expectancy is 78 or perhaps 81.8. I'll be happy if I can live past 60 while some of you repeatedly wish you can die at 30. There are a 3,479 things that I wish to do with the person I grow old with and I don't think I can complete all of them by 60, much less need be said at 30. I belong to the tragic pool of statistical elements who pull the average down. 3 of the top 10 causes of death in Singapore is related to hypertension.

Yes. So I whine. So I still lead a hedonistic lifestyle. I'm a contrarian. And a whiner.

But I will continue to laugh at your jokes while you laugh at mine. And I know you will laugh at mine. I still go to the parties that you hang out at. I attempt to know just that bit more of trivia so as to have the last word at the bar counter. I will replicate your achievements and try my best to outdo you. I will watch the movies and remember their lines while you merely pay for the ticket. The sunrise you see is more beautiful to me. I can hear the flutter of the butterfly wings. I still see animals in the clouds and walking in the rain still appeals to me. The ocean that laps on my feet along the shoreline touches me more than it touches you.

And the reason is because I feel my mortality more than you.