Automatic

I was telling this old friend of mine how our conversation in MSN was like beat-poetry. The sound of the mind being churned out through automatic writing.

But of course we are not Kerouacs or Ginsbergs.

So this is the conversation that I am reproducing with permission. The deal was to make it funny. I don't normally reproduce conversations.

Mel says: (1:29:15)
wat makes u happy?
nth says: (1:29:23)
little things.
nth says: (1:29:56)
little things that lets me know that i am remembered or cared for.
nth says: (1:30:21)
like my mum insistently telling me whether or not she is cooking dinner.
nth says: (1:31:15)
i have trouble letting people know what to buy me for birthdays, christmas and whatever else cause the things i need i have or i can buy.
nth says: (1:32:00)
or knowing my attempts at making someone happy is successful.
nth says: (1:32:04)
that is a topper.
Mel says: (1:32:37)
you are a giver....
nth says: (1:32:46)
i don't think so as well.
nth says: (1:33:19)
my down periods are shared with the people i keep the closest. and that is totally unfair to them.
nth says: (1:33:24)
i seriously have to change that.
nth says: (1:33:43)
i know enough of myself to be better yet i find it hard.
nth says: (1:33:58)
i guess that is what makes us different from machines.
nth says: (1:34:15)
when a machine breaks down, the troubleshooting is the most difficult part.
nth says: (1:34:40)
but when a person breaks down. even after the troubleshooting and finding the root cause. you may not be able to repair it.

Evil Mel is making me think if I am a giver of tangibles but a taker of emotions - a loan shark of feelings. So what I essentially do is spend all this money like some form of compensation. But in reality I give very little emotionally and take all that is displayed on the table and demand for more still.

Somebody help me!

If we run
To look in the back room
Where we hide
All of our feelings

I just close my eyes as you walk out