Long boring entry

Horrorscope for the day. Horror indeed.

A female visitor who needs a little tea and sympathy could come to your door today. She'll probably have some problems that she'll want advice on, dear Pisces, but she could also bring some information, possibly involving new scientific or metaphysical studies, that you should find fascinating and which you'll want to pass on to others. This information could trigger insights of your own. Write down your ideas, as you'll want to remember them.

I have this feeling that the female visitor is myself. Well, not that I am becoming a transgender but I think I am the one needing a little tea and sympathy. I recently met Emen who was also from York while attending my course in SAFTI. We were reminiscing about the carefree university life in York. While we had problems and challenges, but there was always a friendly listening ear and really, nothing cannot be solved over a nice cup of tea and some scones with butter. Well, maybe some things. But a problem shared is a problem halved.

Life used to be a whole lot simpler. Boundaries, no-go areas, benchmarks, milestones, major examinations masquerading as stepping stones to an objective that was always going to be amorphous.

So when it came to streaming in primary 3, you made sure you got into the best class. And during that year, you'd be tested if you were "gifted". You may be gifted in drawing, sports, dance, playing hopperti (playing tag while hopping on a single leg) or four/five stones but nobody will really give a flying fuck cause you got to be able to do abstract maths problems algebraically or solve some IQ puzzle. And you may get through the first round, only to find out that you are just one in about 3,348 and there is a second round to weed out the flukes and wannabes and reduce it to 739 or something. So you tasted failure but you don't give a flying fuck either cause you're better off playing hopperti and pepsi-cola 1-2-3.

Then came PSLE. You thought you did well enough. And "well enough' don't mean normal. You had to be in the Express stream. Which meant 4 years in the "top autonomous boy school" at that time. There was only 1 autonomous boy school at that time by the way. You also realise that although you were in the top ten in your neighbourhood primary school, you soon realise that you feature somewhere in the bottom ten of your secondary school class. Oh, and they were better at hopperti too. And they had girlfriends. But you weren't too interested in them yet.

Secondary school have streaming too. And the top guys get to choose "sexy" subjects like biology and be in the "triple science" class. And you "only" manage to read physics and chemistry. So not being so self-assured anymore, you decide to become an engineer cause that's what the country needs and everybody you read about seems to be an engineer of sorts. Maybe that's my generation. Subsequently it was IT/computer related, and now the current life sciences that are being offered (better get at least Ph.D otherwise only fit to wash testtubes). Maybe next will be designing computer games and CGI, or maybe hospitality management to support out integrated resorts. Or maybe they will open a school for Multi-Level Marketing. Who knows rally? But back then, the best way to become an engineer was through the Polytechnics. And you stupidly thought that having Design and Technology (or Technical during lower sec) as one of my "O" level subjects will hold me in good stead. Instead, you went back into the mainstream. It was off to the Junior College, after another milestone: the "O" Levels administered by Cambridge University.

When you decide to get back into the mainstream, you might be hesitant but having only two years to ponder, it zipped by without you noticing. "A" levels defined your life and you try to get grades good enough to get into the local universities.

Then army came for all Singapore males and that was when you took a slight detour from the mainstream again, opting to get a training award from the country's premier organisation for developing leaders. It was off to the university for you. And that was what you have to do well too.

But that's when boundaries/no-go areas/benchmarks/milestones end. It ends when you complete your universitiy education. Education tore your decisions because you are saturated with options. And you realise that non of these options were for you. You take comfort in not having a choice because you determine that benefits do outweigh the costs.

That perhaps is why the quarter-life crisis sets in. The absence of definite benchmarks, milestones to guide ourselves by. To know how well we are doing. Lacking, perhaps, role models or maybe the opposite ie. too many role models to choose from. The conflict of material gains versus the pursuit of this nebulous entity call happiness. being unsure of the next step because it may not have been tried and tested. Not wanting to go the tried and tested way because you will never be ahead down that path. Life can be safe but only for how long? And when reality hits you squarely in the face, you learn to set boundaries for yourself. You think it restricts you but you concede that you cannot do without it.

So what defines me now? I have another 2.5 years to go before my bond is up. I have moved away from the mainstream yet again. Some say I did it by choice, some say I did it on purpose, some say I did it "for what!?". My take? Well, It was definitely my choice, and if you cannot exercise that part of your inherent right, you are a sad person. It was definitely on purpose, in that it was a purposeful, calculated move in which I took many factors into consideration. For what? Well, it was meant to be, choice I made with a purpose. While I may regret later, I know that it was a move that will hopefully inch myself nearer to this hazy state of being called happiness.




I am not perturbed by my choice at all. Neither am I apologetic. If people think that eating duck rice three days in a row, if they think that they have a family history of high blood pressure, if they think that can drink heavily for days before their medical review, deprive themselves of sleep for three days, smoke enough cigarettes to carbonise their lungs, well, to that I say, good for you. You do it to excuse yourself from some physical fitness test? well, at least you were being honest about it. And to those who think that they have a problem with the pressure as well? The base medical centre is always open. And to those who view me with jaundiced eyes now, I can't help you see things my way. But neither can I see things your way.